


i don't want to leave you (but i love missing you)

by chamsaed



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt, Junbobficsparty2019, M/M, Wedding, break-up, i got a bit emotional while writing this, i really love junbob and i want them to be happy :c, okay i cried
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 23:52:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17755907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chamsaed/pseuds/chamsaed
Summary: "you used to look at me with such love in your eyes, and one day, you just didn't."junhoe reaches for him, but he doesn't lean into it, he doesn't move at all, and that's the moment they both knew.





	i don't want to leave you (but i love missing you)

**Author's Note:**

> we breathe junbob angst, yes

_the universe i was so curious about back then, it was you_  
  
the two of them fall in love under the stars in the night sky. the moon is shinning above and junhoe looks so mesmerizing, even the stars can't compare.  
  
bobby looks up at junhoe and held his hands. junhoe looks at him with those eyes that sees into him, and made his heart flutter everytime.  
  
and so, bobby let his heart decide.  
  
"i love you, koo junhoe."  
  
there, witnessed by the moon and the stars, he gave up his heart.  
  
"i love you too, hyung," junhoe leans into him and sealed their gap with the faintest kiss. "i think i want to love you for a long time."  
  
"i promise to love you now, until the day after forever."  
  
_you're my everything, you're my world_  
  
  
  
junhoe and bobby fell out of love when the first snow fell.  
  
"hyung.. did you fall out of love?"  
  
the younger's voice was shaky, afraid of saying the last word like it might cut open a fresh wound into his heart.  
  
bobby was standing against the counter in the kitchen looking at everything but junhoe, who is sitting on the couch, looking at nothing but bobby. junhoe's eyes are still wet because of tears yet he can't take his eyes away from the one person that was his.  
  
the word was left a bitter taste in his mouth.  
  
there is only silence between them. bobby looks at the mess they have created. furnitures strewn across the living room, pieces of glass in the carpet, and two broken hearts.  
  
that's when his eye caught the broken picture frame.  
  
bobby remembers a lot of itㅡ bobby remembers him slamming his bedroom door and his angry voice, bobby remembers screaming in junhoe's face and pointing an accusing finger at him, bobby remembers junhoe crying, breaking down in front of him, entire body shaking, as he took off the ring, junhoe's gift during their first anniversary, and threw it across the roomㅡ but he doesn't remember who broke the picture frame.  
  
it was a picture of them together on their first date. they look so happy and so in love.  
  
bobby shouldn't bother thinking who broke the picture frame in this situation but he needs to focus on something.  
  
if he doesn't think about the frame, he'll find himself thinking of junhoe. he'll be thinking of how good and kind and sweet the younger has been to him. he'll be thinking how he used to love him.  
  
_now it finally comes, and pierces my heart_  
  
if he thinks about junhoe, he'll probably run back into his arms, wipe his tears, comfort him, whisper words of love and promise that he'll love him again and again until the only thing he knows is to love him.  
  
but he can't. he can't break a promise again and hurt junhoe even more.  
  
bobby knows what it feels like to fall in love with junhoe. he knows what it's like to hold junhoe's hand, to hear his laugh, to feel his warmth every time they hug and cuddle, to look at those eyes and drown into them.  
  
he knows what it was like to _love_ junhoe, to know every single thing about him, from the curve of his nose and the shape of his lips. his likes, the things that make him laugh, his favorite things, his worries and insecurities.  
  
bobby doesn't know what it was like to fall out of love.  
  
_when i said i'd protect you forever, it was a lie_  
  
he looks at junhoe, and his heart hurts. it feels heavy with guilt. god knows how bad he wants to run to junhoe now, and wipe those tears that are starting to fall on the younger's face, he wants to tell him that everything will be okay, that they could make it out again.  
  
but he can't.  
  
he doesn't move.  
  
then it hit him. it happened without warning.  
  
bobby has fallen out of love.  
  
it's such a cruel thing, to love someone so much, more than anything, then suddenly, you just stop.  
  
like the first snow fall that finally touched the ground.  
  
junhoe stands and walks across the room. bobby can feel the heavy footsteps and beat of his heart. the younger stands in front of him now and bobby wants to run away, but he can't.  
  
junhoe looks at him with those eyes, those eyes who once looked so happy, those eyes he fell in love with, those eyes who always looked at him like he's the most precious thing in the world, those eyes who will always know him.  
  
yet those eyes looks so sad now, tired, hurt, and he's the one who've caused it.  
  
"you used to look at me with such love in your eyes, and one day, you just didn't."  
  
junhoe reaches for him, but he doesn't lean into it, he doesn't move at all, and that's the moment they both knew.

  
  
_the promise to be together forever, it doesn’t exist anymore_  
  
"hyung... do you still love me?"  
  
_("i love you, koo junhoe.")_  
  
bobby knows junhoe is too good for him.  
  
junhoe stands in front of him with eyes red and puffy from crying, his face lined with tear stains, his lips dry, but he's still so, so beautiful, and it breaks bobby's heart.  
  
"do you still love.. me?" junhoe asked him again, like its almost a whisper, and his eyes hopeful.  
  
bobby knows junhoe wouldn't force him to answer, and that junhoe wouldn't ask him to stay because.  
  
bobby knows that junhoe still loves him so much.  
  
and he also know that junhoe wants to hear him say it.  
  
"no, i don't." the words are like venom and it pains him to say it. how he wish it was all a lie, yet nothing can change the truth.  
  
"i'm sorry."

  
  
there, under the first snow fall, the stars and the moon looked away as bobby broke junhoe's heart.  
  
"i will always love you hyung, until the day after forever." junhoe says, as a single tear rolled down his cheek.  
  
junhoe gives him the brightest smile yet his eyes doesn't shine.  
  
_i'm sorry i couldn't protect you_  
  
"is it him?"  
  
bobby remained silent, and junhoe gets his answer.

 _i'm sorry, i'm not good enough_  
  
"will you be happy with him?" junhoe swallows and closes his eyes, the tears he tried to keep started to fall.  
  
"yes." bobby answers in a whisper.  
  
_i hope you meet someone better than me_  
  
junhoe nods.  
  
"just... just one time, before you go to him, let me hug you." junhoe lets out a sigh, a sigh of defeat, and finally opens his eyes. he looks at bobby in the eye and smiles. "just enough so i won't have any regrets."  
  
_this is how your embrace feels, it’s very warm_  
_maybe it’s because i love you_  
_but you’re so beautiful, you, who I can’t have_

* * *

  
_even after countless time, there’s a face I always miss_  
  
the letter sits on his table. its been an hour since he got it from his mail but bobby doesn't have the courage to open it and see what's inside.  
  
the sender read koo junhoe.  
  
it's been two years, yet all the memories and feelings that came with the name hit him like a wave.  
  
he sat on his bed as he took the letter again. it takes him another moment when he finally opened it and regrets as soon as he did.  
  
it's a wedding invitation.  
  
  
_being forgotten in those memories is such a cruel pain_  
  
bobby knows he doesn't have the right to complain, to feel cheated, to feel betrayed. after all, he was the one who walked out on them, but it doesn't hurt any less.  
  
junhoe found happiness in someone that isn't him.  
  
he was still looking at the invitation that he didn't noticed when someone stirred awake from his bed.  
  
bobby was cut out of his reverie when hanbin gave him a hug from behind, resting his chin on bobby's shoulder. the younger trailed soft kisses on his shoulder.  
  
"morning, babe. what's that?" hanbin asked in his still sleepy voice, peeking at what bobby is holding.  
  
"nothing. i-it's just... junhoe sent me a letter. an wedding invitation actually."  
  
"oh."  
  
hanbin wouldn't miss the hurt in bobby's voice everytime he says junhoe's name.  
  
it's been two years since they got together, but hanbin isn't a fool. well maybe he was, for thinking that the love they have found by mistake, by breaking a heart, is enough for them to be happy with each other.  
  
but he knows.  
  
bobby's heart wasn't his to begin with.  
  
one can only love once with his heart still whole, and hanbin knows it very well. that one person that will always have a place in bobby's heart.  
  
that day, hanbin decided to end them.  
  
"hanbin, we don't have to do this."  
  
"no hyung. we both knew that we can't be really happy with each other. we can pretend as long as we want, but at the end of the day, we're just two selfish people who broke a heart once."  
  
bobby remained silent.  
  
"i know, hyung. i know that you still love him. all this time. we we're just fooled by ourselves, thinking that we can make this work, when both of us needs to fix ourselves."  
  
hanbin gave him a kiss, a kiss of good bye, one last time.  
  
"thank you, hyung for eveything."  
  
_is it because of this painful longing?_  
_or is it my selfish loneliness?_

 

  
  
bobby just came out from shower that he didn't notice the missed calls from his friend. he's about to send him a text when yunhyeong calls him again.  
  
"hey, i heard. about you and hanbin, and junhoe's invitation, you know," yunhyeong's voice said on the other end of the phone.  
  
"what about it?"  
  
"so you will go? i mean, junhoe would understand it if you can't-"  
  
"i'll go. i'm fine."  
  
"okay. just, if you need someone to talk to, i'm here, okay? you can talk to me," yunhyeong said.  
  
"of course. thanks, hyung."  
  
"i'll see you at the wedding then," yunhyeong hangs up.  
  
a loud silence fills his apartment as he lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.  
  
the wedding will take place in a couple of months, and bobby promised himself that he will move on by then. he should be. he would be.  
  
bobby thinks about junhoe, and there's nothing but a bitter taste in his mouth and an ache in his heart when he remembers his answer to junhoe's, "do you still love me?"  
  
heaven knows how bad he wants to take it all back. all the words that he said, the day he broke his heart.  
  
_i’m regretting it now but let me just tell you one thing_  
_.....it was love_  
  
so yes, he will move on. there's no other way. bobby doesn't want to be the one to stand in the way of junhoe's happiness, now that he finally found the one that will truly love him, and will never, ever break is heart.  
  
just like what bobby should have done when he had his chance.  
  
taking a deep sigh, bobby felt a single tear slid down his cheek.  
  
he'll be alright, bobby tells himself. he'll be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my epic attempt in writing angst, i hope you enjoyed reading it :)
> 
> idk but this fic is kinda special to me, like being in love is happy and sad at the same time. love is a beautiful fear (this quote is from my fave novel) :3 
> 
> thank you for reading !!!


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